She Said She Said: Love, Loss & Living my new normal

The ordinary and the extraordinary mix in this funny, moving, excruciatingly intimate, triumphant book which soars above issues of personal courage and journalistic integrity to tell a profoundly moving story which could have been custom built for our times.

Prologue

June 2015. It had taken me some time to meet the man I would marry and have children with. I

was 35 when I finally met Paul. I had to suffer through a few relationships, have my heart broken a couple of times, and turn down several marriage proposals.

I was beginning to think that my only option was a child with one of several gay friends, who

longed to become a parent themselves. But I figured this would be fraught with a range of potential logistical and emotional difficulties.

I was so happy to have met Paul. He offered me solace. He was truly a soulmate. He supported

me in everything I was ever interested in. Every lamebrained notion and crazy idea. Paul was firm when I needed firmness. Kind when I needed kindness. Compassionate, empathetic and loving. Of course, Paul was a total geek and with him, I welcomed technology into my life and a slew of Apple products. He followed any of his own interests with a passion, a zeal, and could become obsessive at times. I had always said I wanted a life partner who would love me for being me. Someone who would adore me. Paul adored me. He loved me passionately, tenderly and wasnt afraid to let anyone know of his love and devotion.

Previous partners had been preoccupied with the length of my hair, or my skirts, or how I

presented myself. One was really uncomfortable expressing love or affection in front of others or in public. Paul wanted me to feel the best about myself, so he would offer honest opinions when asked, or constructive criticism, but never in a judgmental or selfish way.

Paul looked after himself. He was fit. He ate well and like me, was not afraid of any foods. Paul

swam daily and worked with a personal trainer. Paul worked hard at his job, but was not a workaholic.

He was very good at making me leave work at the end of my work day. Life with Paul was really well balanced.

But after twelve years together, married and parents of three beautiful children, Paul started a

conversation with me late one night that removed the chocks from underneath the wheels of the roller coaster that was to become my life. Unbeknownst to me, the roller coaster had been sitting, somewhat stationary at its apex. It had now been set into motion, into a rapid free fall and out of control. I didnt know if it were safer or more comfortable to sit in the car and weather the rapid twists and turns and g-force momentum or be thrown out and crash smack bang against hard and fast reality.

First came the mindboggling term gender dysphoria. I had no idea what this meant. But it

didnt sound good.

Then the revelation that as a young child, Paul wanted to be a girl. What? Huh?

How?

The more my mind was in free fall, the faster the revelations came out. Secretly dressing in his

mothers clothes. The feeling of total disconnection with his body. The attempt to castrate himself. The fear of being found out. The absolute heartache when testosterone took hold of his body during puberty. The ostracism for being somehow different. The suicide attempt. What? Stop! This was too much. Then the locking and shutting away of everything that felt natural and normal. Trapped within the dark recesses of the mind. Not fed. Not indulged. Not acknowledged. A sadness bottled up and hidden far far away. Secured and forgotten only to be uncapped decades later. And now. Out it all flowed, engulfing me in a torpor. Then a trigger to a whol

ISBN: 9780994479181
Dimension: 227mm X 155mm
Pages: 388